Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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