Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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