I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
In America we eat man semen.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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