What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
