bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
