i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
