Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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