My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
