Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Couch. On fire.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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