Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
