You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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