I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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