Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
smell my finger.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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