the condom got lost in my hair
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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