at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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