He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
