I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
