PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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