one two three fourrrrnication!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
