I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing