I wish I could teleport
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
