I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
