I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
