u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
