I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
