i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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