The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize