You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
