my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
