I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
