the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
