i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
