Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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