I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You pole danced in your parka.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
my poor anus
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
