Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
