so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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