she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
