like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
