He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
