you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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