Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is this like a preordered booty call?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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