I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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