My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
