I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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