i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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