if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
