Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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