He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
