made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
