you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
