i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
