you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
