I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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