He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
