Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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