Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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