So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
