I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
